A fantasy

1 The safe place

Merlin entered the forest. It was still early morning. The owl had already settled onto the branch of an oak tree. She hooted three times; then she nestled herself against the firm trunk, opening and closing her eyes a few times. She was tall. Had she stood next to him on the ground, she would have reached up to Merlin’s waist. He saw her for the first time that morning. But he had heard her howl during many nights. The owl went to sleep. That is what owls do when the sun comes up.

Merlin remembered that he was on his way away from home. He took off his boots and socks. His bare feet had always been his sensors in the world. They delivered the messages of groundedness and direction. He was used to the unevenness and prickliness of the ground. He knew the Earth; he knew the textures and smells of the woods. He giggled and loved it when his true Mother tickled the soles of his feet.

He wanted to take off the rest of his clothes too, but he feared he would be captured by the villagers who never went naked. His greatest fear was to be returned to his birth mother.

He kept his clothes on to be less noticeable. Merlin was not seen. The owl was his friend. She had stopped hooting when she realized: This little girly boy is on his way away from home.

He had taken his fiery fierceness with him when he left his former home in the early morning and he had made a firm resolution:

“I must get away from here and never return as long as these people shall live.”

He went deeper into the forest. Soon he did not recognize anything around him anymore. He had entered the part of the forest where the witches live, the angry dwarfs, Iron John and other creatures; everybody and everything his father had warned him about. Merlin was not afraid.

He came to a small clearing. It had actually not been cleared, trees had never grown in this opening. The sun was not high enough yet to reach the surface of a little pond. It was not much wider than a man made well. It was framed by moss growing around its almost circular watery surface and by a thicket of reed grass.

A snake lay curled up close to the water’s edge. It seemed to be asleep. Merlin saw her breath expanding and contracting their beautiful, long, copper-colored body. He was not afraid, but the squirrels cautiously avoided to get too close to that snake. They came here to feast on the abundance of acorns. As Merlin looked up he noticed seven old oaks surrounding the pond.

A hedgehog ran noisily into the clearing, following his pointy nose. He had smelled a delicacy, a dead bird teeming with worms. Merlin was disgusted by this great appetite for meat. At the same time, he found the hedgehog cute. He also appreciated the fierceness of this pincushion on its short legs and approached him, asking: “What’s your name? I am Merlin, on my way away from home. I would like to be your friend.”

The hedgehog lifted his head. He stopped devouring the wriggling worms. “Maybe he is full already?”, Merlin thought. The hedgehog was not very big, just old enough to fend for himself. He was not yet interested in a mate. He looked at Merlin with his small shiny black eyes. He mustered the little elfish human child, looking him up and down, judging, but did not receive any warning signs from Merlin’s personality. Merlin has always had a heart filled with loving kindness. That is what showed.

“This elf will not harm me. This girly boy’s magic is attraction, not the power to hurt and kill.” Hedgehogs, like most animals, have good instincts and they trust them.

“My name is Shiv. I can be your friend, Merlin.”

This is how you answered a friend request when Merlin was a little boy.

Despite all of his fiery determination to get away from home, Merlin had suddenly felt very much alone in this world, and too young to keep going any further by himself. Shiv and Merlin talked until night fell. Shiv had to go. After he had bedded Merlin on the dry moss beneath the largest oak in this grove, he assured Merlin he would be safe there and brought him some berries for his dinner. Shiv also showed Merlin where to find more for his breakfast next morning. “Just in case I am not going to be back by then”, he explained. Merlin felt safe. He was not hungry. Shiv was already gone.

Merlin saw the moon setting through the naked branches of the oak trees. It was only a very young crescent moon. The stars rose too. Merlin did not know their names, but he called them twinkles, sparkles, mora-mora, and home. “The place I came from, and the place where I will return to”, he thought.

He closed his eyes and wrapped his thumbs with his fingers. He was warm and breathed freely. This felt more like home than the home of his parents, which he had left early this morning. After his father had gone off to work and while his mother and sister were still asleep, he had mounted his red toy tractor and took it to the edge of the forest.

Merlin rolled over onto his left side, pulled up his knees into his chest, and fell asleep almost instantaneously. He had said no prayers. Shiv had told him this was not necessary. We are all welcome here just as we are, he had said.

2 The First Morning in the Safe Place

Merlin woke up at first light after a seemingly dreamless night. This is the time in the mornings when night starts to give and the whole world is awaiting dawn, when some birds begin to sing in the trees, calling their friends and their mates. Every day of his life, Merlin has opened his eyes at this time of the day and sat up, filled with energy, to follow the sun’s semicircular path to sunset, dinner, bedtime fairy tale, and into sleep. Until recently he had always slept well.

Merlin had lived his life like a chicken, scratching around in the soil around his parent’s home. He went to sleep when the owl hooted her first hoot to greet the night. To live like this had seemed safe and secure for many years.

Merlin opened his eyes and sat up. He was not in his bed, and he could not see where he was. With his little hands he explored the ground around him with the slight shiver that overcomes one when one is sitting up in the dark and doesn’t remember where one had been falling asleep. Gingerly he tapped with the palm of his left hand and sensed the soft moss around him. With the fingers of his right hand, he combed the moss and found some hard-shelled oblong seeds, the size of the top joint of his thumb.

Now he remembered: Shiv had tucked him in beneath an old oak tree, close to its stem. He had left his parents’ home yesterday, after his father had departed for work. Merlin had ventured barefoot into the familiar forest. Yesterday he went deeper inside than ever before. Towards the parts of which his father had warned him. Father had declared the woods dangerously unsafe. He said witches lived there and creatures, capable to do unspeakable harm to a little boy.

Merlin sat very still for a long time. He did not really know how long a minute was. It seemed he sat still for an entire minute. He could count to 1000 already, but there was nothing to count. His heart seemed to have stopped beating and the songs of the birds were short, and the answers came in various intervals of different length. The little elf was not wearing a watch. His father always wore a watch, but where Merlin had lived, in the “real” world, he would have to wait until his Holy Confirmation to be given a watch. This event was many years off. He had not even received his first Holy Communion yet.

Merlin was still sitting there. Very still. Tears started to flow down his cheeks. Slowly at first, almost one by one. He noticed them and was surprised. He felt good and comfortable. He knew he was safe. He knew Shiv, his new friend, the hedgehog, would be back before the sun comes up, not too long from now. He did not feel alone, because he trusted Shiv.

Inexplicably the steady stream of Merlin’s tears turned into a sobbing and his entire face seemed to pour out water and watery mucus, enough to fill a bucket or two.

This little elf was too young to understand what was happening to him. He had been so brave, determined, and triumphant about his decision to get on his way away from home. The power of his mind and his magic were not in any way sophisticated enough to create insight into his heart and its feelings.

Merlin’s magic was extroverted. He conquered hearts and attracted love and attention by shining the light of his beautiful eyes, embedded in a fine and serious face, indiscriminately onto anybody he met. This magic always worked, but the little elf did not understand how it worked. It was all he had. He spilled the love of his heart onto everybody.

His mother was the only person in his world who could not be charmed. She did not shine love back onto him in response.

Yesterday, Merlin rode his mount, the red toy tractor, to the edge of the forest, took off his boots and socks, and walked barefooted into the woods. The owl greeted him at the edge of the forest and swore not to betray his whereabouts. He walked on and on, until he found the opening formed by seven old oaks surrounding a small pond. A copper-colored snake lived there, and squirrels came to feed on acorns. Then Shiv came running noisily across the moss to feast on maggots feasting on a dead bird. He remembered all of that.

Merlin’s sobbing started to subside. The day had turned into a fiery orange glow shimmering through the stems of the trees. “I must be on the top of a hill”, Merlin thought and then he screamed: “Shiv! Where are you? I need your company. I don’t want to be alone. I am not afraid. But I don’t want to be alone.”

3 Breakfast

Shiv did not come. Merlin started to think. Beside his love magic he also had another gift; Merlin was extremely smart. He could figure out almost everything. He knew this, but he also sensed that using his brain too much does take away from his feelings and closes up his heart.

Merlin was so young he sensed all of this but his magic, his medicine, was not fully developed. He relied on his senses and followed his hunches. Often in the wrong direction. 

This morning, alone at the pond, he realized: “I am already seven years old. I left my parents and their families. I have to figure out how to proceed. I wish Shiv was back. But he’s not back yet. I called him – it must have been at least three minutes already since I called him. I cannot wait forever. I must do something.”

He was hungry and got up. Shiv had brought him some berries last night. He knew where to find more of those, but Merlin was too lazy this morning to forage for more. At this time of the year, they were scarce and still very sour anyway. This little Elf is not only sweet mouthed, he has a craving for sweet stuff.

He walked over to the pond to wash his face and to look at his hair. Did he look all right? He was not going to leave this enclosure looking disheveled and unwashed. After all, his magic worked much better when he looked his prettiest.

Was he vain? Yes, vain he was. He wore his favorite red sweater, Grandma had knitted it, and some yellow trousers with it. He knew that combination was stunning. The pants were a deep sunny yellow, almost orange colored.

Merlin knelt down. He was careful not to disturb the surface of the pond, and leaned over the edge. He wanted to have a look at himself before he washed his face because he liked to observe the difference the brief wash made. His sleepy face usually lit up after a splash of cold water and cleaning out the corners of his eyes. This worked miracles every time. After this wash his eyes shone from his pretty face. It was framed by brown hair curling around his ears and down into his neck.

Merlin’s hair was not long. That had not been allowed. He had to have it cut all the time. His father and his father’s family did not allow a boy to have his hair long. Merlin did not understand this rule and he cried and cried and cried, before, during, and after every haircut. He liked how his hair felt when it was longer, and he envied the girls. Many had already hair long enough to reach down to their lower back. He admired them for their braids, and he thought long hair was the only difference between boys and girls.

When he knelt down to see the reflection of his face in the pond he noticed a big change. Not in his face. The surface of the pond had transformed into a solid, opaque, and very thin layer tightly. The entire pond was covered by it. This reminded him of the thin sheets of cellophane paper his mother and grandmothers and aunts, all women he knew, used to seal a jar of very hot jam.

Merlin’s mouth started to water. He forgot his vanity and his urge to look pretty and heartwarming. He was hungry and followed his instinct. This thin opaque layer may cover up something very, very sweet. He tried to poke a hole with his fingers. That’s what he did when he was allowed to open a new jar of jam. He just loved the popping sound. But this foil was too sturdy even for his fist. Merlin needed to know what it was covering. And he needed to know right now. He found a pointy stick and rammed the thing open.

Merlin was born an Aries in the year of the Ram. He has very little patience despite his sweetness. He tried to go with his head first through a wall and other things obstructing his will. He also never learned a different approach to taxing situations later in his life.

He got through the protective layer that had grown on top of the pond overnight and pulled his ramrod out. It dripped a gooey red substance. Ignoring everything he had been taught about what never to do, Merlin put the tip of the stick to his mouth and licked it.

Yum! This tastes like strawberry jam. Yum! This must be strawberry jam. Yum! Yum! How could it be harmful?

At this moment Shiv came hurtling into the clearing, huffing and puffing. “I am late. -Sorry. -Fell asleep. –Forgot almost about you. -Remembered. –Here I am. You are my friend. I am your friend. Don’t be afraid. I will never leave you. Forget you for a moment, yes. Never leave you.”

“I was wondering what had happened to you. I was not worried about you. I was worried you could have left me already. All alone here in the woods”, Merlin replied.

“Good. You found the jam! Let’s have some more together, then I will have to sleep. Shortly after Shiv curled up into a ball where Merlin had spent the night and where his weight had created a shallow indentation in the moss.

The sun was high above the little enclosure up on the hill and Shiv was fast asleep. The pond had changed back into its original watery form and mirrored the sky. It was blue. Occasionally white clouds passed overhead. Merlin watched their reflection in the water. The fresh light green leaves looked as if they were floating in the pond although they were 50 yards above the ground, moving with the wind. The pond was still and unmoved. The trees were old and tall.

Now was a good time to check himself in this mirror. With his toes almost touching the water, carefully avoiding to disturb it, Merlin looked down at his reflection. He had grown, by several inches, and his curly brown locks almost reached his shoulders.

Merlin could believe it. He knew witchcraft from TV and from his fairy tales. He knew there was magic more powerful than his own. He was not afraid. He bent down over the rim to check the details of his transformation. His face looked as if he was a year older than yesterday, ready for his first holy communion, which he would not attend of course. Cinderella might be in church right now.

Time had already lost its grip on Merlin. Overnight he had grown as much as a kid usually grows in two years.

“Something must have been in this strawberry jam other than strawberries and sugar.” He was sure of that. These clothes look ridiculous on me now. They are much too small. They don’t fit anymore. This needs to be fixed. But how?” He thought, or was he talking aloud to himself?

He sat down next to Shiv to think this over. He let his head hang, his chin resting on this chest, and dozed off.

Time was not of essence.

4 Viktor is a Dangerous Influence

Merlin got startled and jumped to his feet, suddenly wide awake and alarmed. Something had tickled his toes. A tongue was moving fast and slithering around on his sensitive feet. He saw the copper-colored snake winding itself quickly and effortlessly through the moss, where it had lain in the sun, curled up and seemingly asleep, when Merlin had arrived at the clearing yesterday morning.

“Was that you snake, licking my toes? You scared me!”

“The name is Viktor, Merlin. My friends also know me as Viktoria. When I shed my skin I look extremely luxurious and vulnerable. Beautiful too. But I am always beautiful, no matter if you look at me as a male or a female.  When my skin is very new, I shimmer so enticingly, many male snakes want to touch me. They want to  lie with me, soft belly to strong belly. This attraction wears off  a few days after I shed. It is a real drag when females mistake me for someone who wants to mate with them. Ignoring their advances has become my strategy. I do not wish to touch them, nor do I want them to touch me.”

“Is that why you licked my toes? Because I am male?”

“Your gender is hard to tell, Merlin. It does not show. Licking your toes affirmed my hopes: You are a very girly boy.  Determining this fact was not why I left my favorite spot in the sun. You look ridiculous in those clothes. You need clothes that show how beautiful and fiery you are. You should ask that owl, your friend, to get you some clothes. She is guarding the spot high up in a tree, close to where you entered the forest and where you parked your tractor. Remember, the owl is the only predator in the forest dangerous to me. Her talons are sharp, and her moves are very swift.”

Merlin took all of this in, without understanding the consequences and dangers of the information Viktor had given him and ran off.

He needed clothes which would add outer beauty to amplify the flame in his heart. Equipped this way he could powerfully impress whomever he would meet next.

He knew already: Not everybody had loved him as he was. Certain colors and comfortable skin charming clothes, and of course long hair were not allowed to be part of his looks. This was another reason why he had run away. In school, in church, and around his father’s relatives he was not allowed to express himself in any other way than a boy had to express himself.

Merlin also knew already: “Just because my hair is short does not mean I am a boy.”

Boys were quite rough, even the six-year-olds. He only played with  girls and the quiet boys. He never felt comfortable at all, around grown-up men except maybe around his father and his uncles at times.

Right now, he wished exactly for the kind of clothes he was not allowed wear in the village. And he said to himself: “I am on my way away from home also means that I am leaving the village behind. I now can wear the clothes I always craved. I am so excited.”

His refuge, this safe place at the pond was not far from where he had entered the forest. His parents’ home was very close by. In no time Merlin was looking up at the tree and saw Lola. She was still asleep. It was a few hours until sunset. Then she would get up to start hunting for food, for squirrels and snakes. Merlin remembered that Viktor was afraid of the owl. He got an inkling of the consequences and dangers involved in his trip.

“Mama, Mama! I found the tractor!”

Merlin heard his little sister shouting. This was not his twin brother Cinderella. The sister was always sick and did not go to school yet. He had played in the woods with her last summer and still in early Fall. She came running right towards him to get the tractor. Mother poked her head out the basement door and Merlin froze. They would come and make him live with them again. He could not move, terrified by that prospect. His sister was getting closer and closer. Soon she would see him and then mother would ask all these questions and bring him back to their home. He feared this and he wished for this to happen, both at once.

Shoo, shoo, Lola hissed sharply from her post up in the tree. “Run, Merlin, run and hide. You must not go back to these people. Run!”

Merlin unfroze and ran. He was a good runner and knew how to hide himself well. He saw his sister taking the tractor back to the house and mother seemed to ask no further questions. His name was not mentioned at all.

Merlin was overcome by grief. They did not miss him; they acted as if he had never been part of this family. They had not come to look for him. He was already a year or two older and in all this time they never came to look for him. He knew Cinderella was very sad and missed him. He had decided to stay. Merlin had not seen another choice but to leave. They had decided to live like this, split up into two.

We do not know yet for which of the two girly brothers’ life will be harder. For the one who stayed or the one who went away.

When the owl saw that the coast was clear she flew off the tree to look for Merlin. It was still daylight, but this was an extremely urgent matter. She loved this girly boy-elf. She would do anything in her power to help Merlin on his way away from home.

He was still shivering and sobbing in his hideout under the hazel tree. Her heart was aching. She knew why he was crying. She had seen Merlin and Cinderella when they were playing outside. Often she had heard them arguing over running away. She knew they were not happy at home, but they were so young those two girly brothers. They were so young, and they could not make up their mind. They loved their father. They felt his love in their heart. It still warmed their bodies and bones when he abruptly withdrew his loving attention from them. Cinderella and Merlin fell out of his love while they were still ardently in love with him.

What happened, you may ask. We don’t know. All we know is that Merlin took his tractor to the edge of the wood, dismounted, took off his boots and socks; that way he could sense with his bare feet if the next step was safe.

5 Lola the Compassionate Wise Owl

The owl found him under the Hazel tree and tried to soothe him: „Shoohoo, Shoohoo, little Merlin, Shoohoo, Shoohoo.“ Merlin looked up. He had been sitting on the ground and the owl was now standing right next to him. He realized for the first time how tall she was. Their eyes were at the same level from the ground.

The fierce owl knew, this boy is scared, very scared, and he does not know how to proceed. First she told him her name:

„I am Lola, Merlin. Lola is my name. I am a wild beast of prey, even if I look demure, grey, and good hearted, I am wild. But I assure you: I will do you no harm and I will protect you from harm. Make no mistake, I am not anything like a fairy godmother. I have powers that seem dark to most people and the creatures of the woods fear me. You can tell your friends Shiv and that snake Viktor that I will not harm them, because they are your friends, and you are very dear to me. You are a very young and untrained Warrior of the Burning Heart. The world needs people like you to grow up and be fully trained and equipped to brave battles without casualties.“

Merlin looked up and wild gentle Lola used one of her wings to wipe off the snot from his face. He felt safe and not alone. He understood that he was at the very beginning of his way away from home. Merlin also understood his heart’s deepest longing: „I want to become a strong and seasoned Warrior of the Burning Heart.“

Lola clicked her eyes open and closed several times. First both eyes at once and then alternately the left and the right. She pursed her beak, turned her head all the way to the back, spread one wing and sniffed her armpit like Merlin’s dad sometimes did; and suddenly the little elf was shaking with laughter and gurgling with joy like a much younger child.

Lola promised to bring clothes to the clearing after dark. Merlin had to go ahead. She needed sleep some more and Merlin would have time to explain to his friends, not to the squirrels, that Lola would not harm them. „Make that clear to everybody she said, especially to that snake.“

Merlin realized that Lola didn’t like Viktor at all. He did not ask why, but he wanted to know.

When Merlin arrived at the pond and told his friends how he got almost spotted by his sister, Shiv exploded.

“Why did you go so close to your parents’ home?”

“I needed clothes. Viktor said I should ask the owl. Her name is Lola, by the way.”

“You snake in the moss! With your double tipped tongue, you sent this trusting little elf, my friend Merlin, to the edge of the forest. Don’t trust a snake! That’s what everybody says. I can’t even begin to describe how angry I am right now!”

Viktor was lying there, where the last rays of the afternoon sun were reaching the ground of the clearing, in his favorite spot. His black forked tongue darted in and out of his mouth which he had curled upwards into a grin. Lazily he lifted one eyelid, exposing the vertical pupil of his left eye. He did not say a word.

Snakes are not safe to be around, and they enjoy this. But they can be charmed. And beautiful Merlin had charmed him. Viktor loved the taste and feel of Merlin’s toes. And he loved all of this girly boy.

The sun was setting. Merlin and Shiv sat very close to each other. Merlin wished he could pet his friend, but he was just too prickly.

“I’m riddled with fleas too. Don’t look, it’s embarrassing. There’s no way to get rid of them.”

Merlin felt a sharp sting in his heart. He wanted a friend, another boy, or elf, or dwarf. Someone soft and of human form, so they could get really close. “I wish I could cuddle up against you, Shiv. I would like to spoon you and caress you. Your snout is so cold and wet. Even kissing you is not pleasant.”

“Sorry Merlin, I was born like this.” Shiv said.

Viktor smirked and said seductively: “I am smooth and soft to the touch. Why don’t you curl up with me, Merlin?”

“You are beautiful and smooth. I like to watch the way you move. It is fascinating. But you are ice cold. When I touch you, my hands get clammy after just two seconds.”

They sat quietly for a while. Night had fallen and the moon had set. It was just a day or two old and had swiftly followed the sun below the horizon. Viktor slid under a rock for the night. Shiv brought some berries for Merlin and was about to leave for his nighttime foraging.

Merlin was waiting for Lola. He had forgotten that she only moves in the dark. All of her prey was blind in the dark compared to her. He waited in despair.

You may have noticed this.  Merlin cannot wait. It is hard to say if he is impatient or just antsy. Obviously that is not the same, although it looks the same when you watch a person who cannot wait. Whatever it is, he’s not happy when he has to wait. He wants what he wants, and he wants it now.

From what we know about grown-ups who are like this we can tell that people like him are born like

this and will not change, despite the suffering and unhappiness it causes them. I don’t know about you, but I wish for Merlin that he will learn how to wait.

New Clothes. New Day. New Pleasures.

With a reverberating thump something fell into the clearing from high up. Everybody was alerted.  A Hoo-hoo, Hoo-hoo was followed by a friendly familiar voice: “Enjoy your new clothes, Bubi!

Merlin was excited. He found the parcel. It was very soft and held together by what must have been a belt. There were pants and a top with sleeves; and there was something else made from a thicker, sturdier fabric. Of course there was no light. Merlin would have to wait for the morning to see Lola’s gifts. There was also a piece of paper. He would have to wait, like it or not, until the sun comes up.

Diligently he folded his new clothes and stuck the paper in between the pant and the top so it would not get lost. Then he examined the belt, it was soft and velvety. There was a large buckle and many holes. It was long enough to reach at least twice around his belly.

He felt so well taken care of, he did not mind, he had to wait to be able to see his new outfit. Lola had brought what he had asked for and the belt. Viktor had sent him to ask the owl for clothes. This had been good advice.

Viktor was sharp mouthed and funny and beautiful. Merlin liked him for what he was: a snake.

He felt different about the hedgehog. Shiv was so incredibly caring and protective. “Shiv should be a boy like me,” Merlin wished.

He looked up at the stars and said a very short prayer.

“Stars in heaven, protect me and my new friends Lola, Shiv, and Viktor. Protect Cinderella. Send him dreams that make him strong and happy.”

Immediately after he fell into a seemingly dreamless sleep.

Merlin opened one half of one eye. It was bright daylight, but his body felt that there had not been enough hours of sleep yet. He closed the half-opened eye again and rolled over onto his other side, knees pulled up to his chest, fingers wrapped around his thumbs like a blanket.

“Too soon,” he thought and dozed off again.

Something poked him in his back. Once and then again and again. “Wake up, wake up, Merlin! The sun is out, and I need to go to sleep. I thought we could have breakfast together.” That prickly fleabag would not stop pestering him. Merlin was hungry and breakfast for two sounded great. He remembered the pool and wished there would be strawberry jam again.

Across the pond Viktor slid out from under his rock. “Good morning, Viktor,” Merlin called cheerfully. Viktor thought: “This little bastard is  unbearably cheerful the moment he opens his eyes.”

Most people know this about Merlin, and they could not stand it. Even his father was only half awake when Merlin was already wide awake, watching him getting ready for work, asking and asking and asking. His mother and sister chased him away from their bedsides every morning.

Of course, Cinderella, his beloved twin brother, was just like him. He, too, was a very early riser.

Viktor answered with a loud belch, expelling the bones of a whole mouse. It had been his midnight snack.

“Mmmhmm.” Viktor grumbled. “Good morning to you too. Don’t talk to me yet. This is not a good time for me. I am all stiff. I have to get warmed up first.” He slithered into a spot that was sunlit already.

“Why is it so bright already? It seems to be about as early in the day as yesterday. I have no watch, but I can tell I have not slept for 10 hours,” asked Merlin.

“It has become the middle of summer, Merlin. Yesterday was early spring. Everything changes throughout the year, also the hours of daylight and night.” Shiv explained.

Merlin did not know this. He knew it gets warmer or colder throughout the year. He knew nothing about the length of the day. He always had to be in bed before seven, year-round. He had to go to bed when his younger sister had to go to bed. How could he know?

The oak leaves had turned a much darker green. Merlin noticed that. He was a little embarrassed that he had not known anything about the change of the length of the days throughout the year. He had experienced seven times already, how the seasons changed from cold to warm to hot. To cooler and then it became ice cold. He knew Christmas was in winter and Easter in spring. He saw the moon growing and waning. He knew some things already. He said to himself: “This is fascinating. I want to learn more about all of this, in fact I wish I knew it already.”

Right now, he was just hungry. Breakfast had not been a meal at his former home, but he was very hungry this morning. He got the branch he had used yesterday. It was teeming with ants. Shiv licked them off greedily. He was a meat eater. He would have eaten his own fleas, but his snout was too short to reach them.

Then Merlin rammed the pond open, like yesterday, in expectation of sweetness, delicious fruity sweetness. Today he carefully took off the entire cellophane like cover and was surprised. The pond  was filled with a much thicker orange colored jam. There were chunks in it. “The color is of ripe mangoes,” Shiv suggested.

Merlin had never heard of mangoes nor seen one in his life. Where he had lived in his former life, mainly local fruits were sold and also bananas and oranges. He put his nose closely to the orangey unidentified substance. “Apricots!” he said and soon his face was covered with his favorite preserve. With both hands he ate and ate, grunting with joy like a little pig.

Shiv giggled. For him this was dessert and gingerly he licked some of the mess off Merlin’s hand and face. Now Merlin giggled, because Shiv’s tongue was just a little raspy and gave him funny but overall pleasurable sensations in his groins. And in his little dick. It was stiffening just a bit. Merlin liked the sensations Shiv’s tongue triggered in his entire body, not only where he licked him.

Then he dipped all of his toes into the jam and held them out for Shiv and asked him to lick off the jam. This felt amazing.

“Don’t stop Shiv, don’t stop!”  

“I’m full Merlin.”  

“Please, Shiv, don’t stop now.”

Shiv loved Merlin. He was full but he kept licking his friends toes for a long time. Long after they were almost clean. Merlin gurgled with joy like when he was a toddler in his father’s lap and his little dick was now stiff very. This made him feel great all over his body.

Shiv was not a martyr. He deeply enjoyed caressing Merlin’s toes with his tongue and the sensations this gave him all over his body. His quills stood up on end although there was no danger. They stood up because of the joy and pleasure he experienced.

“I have to pee; I have to pee!” Merlin jumped up and walked out of the enclosure. On return he found Shiv fast asleep with a happy smile, curled up under the oak tree where Merlin had slept. This had created a hollow in the dry moss.

‘When are you gonna try on your new clothes?” Victor was now warmed up and chatty. “I can’t wait to see what that owl has brought you and how it will make you look.”. “Take a bath first. You are a mess. Look at yourself. Take these rags off, you have grown so much after this breakfast. We were expecting a similar magic as yesterday morning. But you have the size of a short 10-year-old now. Don’t eat too much jam any more in the future. You are already a little too fat to attract men like me. Easy on the jam, Merlin, you’re getting chubby!”

Merlin’s clothes had not grown with him. He had a hard time to get out of them. His image in the pond was funny. There was apricot jam all over his face, in his hair, up to his elbows, and despite of all the licking Shiv had dome, his feet were still sticky.

“Can you swim?”

“Of course I can swim. I grew up on a lake.”

“Then jump in and take a bath. The pond is clear again.”

Merlin jumped in and screamed. The water was extremely cold, colder than the lake in March, colder than the rivers in the mountains that had swelled with the melting glacier waters. And then, with his head under water, so he could wash his hair, Merlin heard the whispers of many voices.

Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. We will be waiting for you tomorrow. It will be the Fall Equinox. Jump into  this pool again at noon and bring your friends, Shiv and Viktor. We will bring you safely to the other side and out of this confined safe space.

Merlin was scared and curious at once. He climbed out onto the dry moss and lay in the sun for a while looking straight up into the cloudless sky. There was a slight warm breeze. He lay there and while the warm wind dried him gently he tried to make sense of the message he received while he had his head submerged in the pond.

He did not know what the Fall Equinox was, but he knew tomorrow meant to sleep only one more time. His head was spinning, he felt a lump in his stomach like when he was afraid.

“I cannot figure this out on my own. I don’t want to think about it now.”

“Are you going to try on your clothes? What happened to you? You look like you saw a ghost.”

Viktor, like all snakes, could sense change immediately, but Viktor was also still young and could not pinpoint the nature of the change.

“Go try them on!”

Merlin got up, looked at his face in the pond and he liked what he saw. This was a not a baby face anymore, but it was soft and fair. His very dark eyebrows arched above his blue eyes and his brown wavy hair had grown again, it was now touching his shoulders. This is long enough he said and felt beautiful.

His slight chubbiness around the middle, which Viktor had criticized, did not bother him. Merlin was attracted by faces, hair and  the legs of men. He didn’t fall in love with men’s bodies. Of course he was always curious about their dicks, but a beautiful face, eyes and shapely legs were what will get him hooked.

This morning, he walked over to where Shiv was snoring and dreaming He was moving his little feet as if in flight, and made fearful noises. Merlin shoohooed him, with  his mouth close to the prickly fleabag. He got bitten, but Shiv relaxed and started to breathe calmly again.

Lola’s gifts lay neatly folded close to Shiv’s bed in the moss. Merlin took them down to the side of the pond where he could see himself in the mirror-like undisturbed surface and where Viktor could watch him up close while he was trying them on and be the judge of how he looked.

“Let’s see already what that owl has brought you.”

The pants were orange like the horizon at dawn. Fiery and intense like lava. They were very comfortable around the waist and reached up to just below Merlin’s navel. The legs were straight and opened wide just above his ankles. They looked amazing and felt great even without a top.

“I didn’t know that owl had taste. What’s her name again?”

“Lola. Her name is Lola. She promised she will not hurt you, so be nice Viktor. Let me try the top.”

It was mainly orange like the pants but a lighter tone. The neck and also the shoulders were surrounded by a sun-like pattern in hues from orange to pink and magenta. There was also a little blue. Merlin slipped into it. The sleeves were straight and without garters. The opening for the head was wide. Merlin could easily slide through it even with this much bigger hair. The neckline reached down to his collarbones.

“Wow. I am floored. Lola has a lot of taste. Who could have guessed this grayish brown bore was going to bring you this. You look just fantastic, Merlin!” The jealous snake could not say anything nice about Lola.

“She’s not a bore and she’s extremely elegant and intelligent. She has magic and she loves me. She promised not to harm you. Relax and be nice. I want to be friends with you. Don’t trash-talk other creatures.”

 There was also a long belt with many holes and a simple brown blanket. The blanket was very large and much too warm for a summer night. But tomorrow will be the Fall equinox and the night might be cold. Merlin felt a shiver rippling from his head down to his toes. He remembered the voices he had heard in the pond, and he knew: “This is why I’m shivering I cannot decide this alone. I will have to talk to Cinderella about it.”

7 An Extremely Dangerous Endeavor

He had almost forgotten how close he had been to his brother. Cinderella, this fair-haired fairy-like version of Merlin had not felt the need to leave. He did not have the urge to live free and wild like his brother. He did not want to come along. Cinderella was to Merlin as Gretel was to Hansel. He got him out of many tight spots his sweet tooth had gotten him into. Merlin missed him.

Cinderella loved his scatterbrained impulsive brother who wanted to live his life irresponsibly. Merlin had decided he did not want to follow his mother’s plans for him. She wanted him to become a successful and rich man. She wanted him to work himself up the ladder. She wanted him to become academically educated. She wanted him to become somebody.

What bothered him most in her plan? He did not like the idea of becoming a man. He was not a real boy, how could he become a happy real man? It was Cinderella who had suggested Merlin should leave. He knew he would be lonely with his brother gone. He was always lonely when Merlin was not with him. Being without Merlin left him in a state of mild depression. This made life in his parent’s home and in this medieval village more bearable. It is true, a mild depression eases the pain.

When he saw Merlin getting more and more unhappy, he started to plant the seed in him. He made him think about getting on the way away from home. Merlin always wished for long hair and colorful soft clothes. This was not allowed because he was to look like a boy from a mile away in the opinion of his father’s family . He also wanted to be free from having to fulfill his mother’s plan. Nobody he knew was going to be able to help him or be a role model. Nobody in the village had had more than eight years of schooling. Merlin was suffering. Cinderella urged him to leave.

One morning, a couple of years ago, he sat still on the sofa in the living room. He bit his upper lip very hard as he felt Merlin was entering the forest barefooted where he would friends like they had never had any before in their lives. Cinderella was happy for Merlin, and he was content with his lot in life, a boy not like a boy. He did not know a name for children like himself, but we know Cinderella was a faggot in training.

His most exciting experiences he had had with his older half-brother in the secret room. It had been the room where his father and uncle had slept when they were children and teenagers. R. took him there and made Cinderella lick his toes, his armpits, his butt and also his little dick. R. was not yet ten, and Cinderella was not yet six. Cindy longed for it after the first time and R. did not have a hard time to lure him to this room several times more.

Suddenly the secret meetings of intimate lovers ended. He still does not know why. He still wishes R. would ask him to come with him. Until today Cinderella does not know why, she had to forget about it. At the age of seven he had to live without a lover.

At the age of seven he was not allowed anymore to touch another boy or to kiss one. He already knew this was a sin even though he did not understand the concepts of sin or guilt. He liked to go to church. He envied the priest for the colorful embroidered clothes he was wearing. Gold thread stitched onto velvet.

He liked the rituals the very old priest performed in a language none of them understood, with the back to all the people in the village who attended mass every Sunday. Cinderella had learned the prompts and knew when to stand up, sit down and most importantly when to kneel. He was devout to the ritual and did not understand a word. He went to church often. He had to. He liked it too.

He never learned to understand the concept of guilt and sin even when the old priest came to school every week to teach him and his classmates, dressed in a black dress. There he spoke the same version of German as everybody in the village. Cinderella understood the words but not what they meant for his very young being. Unlike all of his classmates in  elementary school he was never punished by his parents. How was he to understand the concepts of crime, sin, or guilt, when there was never a punishment.

Slowly and then abruptly the concept of guilt crept into his life. Merlin felt it even more. When first their mother, and then their father too, withdrew their attention from them, they believed it was because of something they had done.

This is the birth of guilt. Taking on the responsibility for the moods and behavior of others. This thought becomes a powerful feeling. This feeling is called guilt.

Cinderella was able to accept her guilty feelings. He was ready to take on the burden to be seen as the cause of her parent’s and later many other people’s unhappiness. He took on as a life-long chore to remedy this unhappiness. He became very good in helping others and gave up his own pursuit of happiness. Making others happy made him happy.

Merlin was on his way away from home to rid himself of the responsibility for his parent’s wellbeing, to wear his hair long and colorful skin-charming clothes.

“God the Father is always watching you” This teaching relayed by the old priest made Cinderella feel extremely uncomfortable. He started to realize that the entire family on his father’s side and all the villagers used the idea of the watchful eye to make boys like him internalize a whole list of things they were not allowed to do without the risk of punishment. You could lose your right to be a member of the community. You risked expulsion with nowhere to go. Where should a seven-year-old go?

Cinderella believed very strongly: “We are all welcome here just as we are.” But Cinderella was no fool. He knew his entire community, family and villagers, did not feel the same way what he believed, to be precise, what he knew was true. A couple of years ago he had sent Merlin on his way away from home to find a place, a community where boys like them are all welcome just as they are.

Merlin found Shiv and Viktor and Lola. Lola spoke to Cinderella frequently. That’s how he knew Merlin was well on his way to find his real home, away from here.

There was a sharp rap on the window. Slowly the knocking entered Cinderella’s consciousness. When he was thinking or reading he did not hear a thing. The knocking had been going on for a while. There was a memory of it in his mind, but only now it entered his consciousness.

“Merlin! What are you doing here? Why did you come back?” Cinderella was torn between the fear Merlin would be discovered and the joy to see him. Merlin knew the coast was clear, there was no danger to be discovered. He had woken up Lola who told him Cinderella was right now alone in the house. Lola is like one of those doorbell cameras. She sees everything. But she has a much more beautiful voice, smoky and low. She was his guardian and had powerful magic. Most of all she loved Merlin unconditionally. Merlin knew this and trusted her without hesitation or doubt.

“Cinderella, I love you. I am about to leave the forest tomorrow to an undisclosed location. Voices inside of the pond were speaking to me when I took a bath and washed my hair. Do you like it this long? It feels great how it caresses my neck and shoulders.”

“Merlin, I can’t believe how beautiful you are. And you look happy and very excited. Never get homesick! What did those voices say?”

“ Come with us, Merlin, come with us. Bring your friends the hedgehog and the snake. Come with us to the other side.”

“We might not be able to see each other for a very long time, Cinderella.” Merlin said. He knew this was true, he should have said will instead of might.

“Merlin. Go, go, follow those voices. Remember, you are not only on your way away from home. You will also find a new home. I will start to go to an academic high school for the arts and music and dance in the City. This will be my way out of the village. I am anxious and excited. Mother picked the school, and I passed the entrance exam. I will make new friends, too. I like the school.

In June I met a girl. She also passed the entrance exam. She is very beautiful and has the name of an ancient oracle. Her parents spelled it wrong on her birth certificate. I am so happy she will be in the same class as I. She approached me during a break and fed me some cake. I was mesmerized. It was like the poppy seed magic but there were no poppyseeds, just hazelnuts. She has black locks and a mouth like a strawberry.”

“I did not know you were into girls, Cindy. Don’t harm yourself trying to fit in.”

“It is not like that, Merlin, but you are right, this girl is bewitching. I will try to find a boy to fall in love with. You know how hard it is in this real world for a boy to find a boy that allows me to touch him, and who wants to touch me just as badly. Now go, you must not return until you are strong and happy. We will soon move to the new house our parents have built. It is down in the village next to grandma’s house where she used to grow the giant extra sweet raspberries.”

“Cinderella, I love you I will visit you when I am strong and happy or whenever you let me know you need me. Love you. Gotta go.”

Lola gave an appreciative nod of her head when she saw the little fairy disappear into the woods, barefooted, wearing his radiant soft clothes. She gave a sigh of relief and went back to sleep.

“So, you left the woods? You went up to the house to talk to your brother. Do you want me to tell Shiv, so he freaks out again, that anxious fleabag!” Viktor said this with a tone of deep appreciation. He liked when Merlin hung caution into the wind and followed his impulses against warnings and better knowledge. Merlin was fiery and Viktor had decided to fan this fire. Viktor was not poisonous, but he was dangerously suggestive.

Merlin grinned from ear to ear and sat down next to his prickly and loyal friend, lowered his chin and dozed off dreaming of the reality on the other side of the well.